Archive for June 2006

“yeah it makes me smile”

June 30, 2006

Whoa, you guys have got to hear Lily Allen. Her sound is so fresh and such a brilliant combination of sounds. It feels young and free, yet badass. Go to her website right this minute and listen to “LDN.” I heard it on KCRW and recorded part of it with my phone so I could figure out who it was, but luckily KCRW is awesome and told me anyway. Then I found her MySpace Music page, and she has songs you can listen to and put on your own MySpace page. My favorite of these is “Little Things,” although I don’t know why there’s a picture of Courtney Love next to it. Anyway, if I had a bunch of extra cash lying around I would use it to fly to the U.K. and see her live. But as my dad says, I’ve “barely got a pot to pee in,” so I’ll have to wait until she comes to L.A. And wait I will, on the edge of my seat.

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Friday Nerd News

June 30, 2006

Nathan has alerted me to the coolest thing ever to hit the internet: The “Stumble-Upon” feature in Firefox. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Do This Now: Go to mozilla.com and Download Firefox. (This is the browser you should be using anyway because it is a billion times cooler and better than Internet Explorer). Once you have it up and running, go here and download “Stumble-Upon.” Check the boxes for things that interest you, then start hitting the “Stumble” button in the top left. It will take you to websites you never knew existed, all based around the topics you selected!

In other nerd news, I got a webhost and have been trying to manually upload WordPress so that someday I’ll be able to use my own lovely domain name. The “famous five-minute install” is taking me f-ing forever. Is it possible to be a dumb nerd? Methinks so.

Heed My Warning!

June 27, 2006

Pointy shoes cause ugly feet! And how do you walk in those things?

pointyshoes.jpg

The other day I saw someone in my office literally hobbling across the floor. She could barely lift her feet and was kind of sliding them across the carpet, pumping her arms violently to propel her forward. Observation: When you can’t walk in your shoes, your shoes are not serving their purpose. Something is wrong here! Everywhere you look, a woman is wearing pointy shoes. Don’t y’all know!? You’re giving yourselves bunions! Gross! And if you really, really look at the shoes, they’re ugly — ranging from kind of ugly to really really ugly. How did they ever become trendy?!

Pointy shoes are so weird looking. They look like something evil dragon creatures would wear, and they make your foot look twice as long as it is. What annoys me is that at work, in order to adhere to the dress code you pretty much have to wear uncomfortable shoes — which is why I rarely adhere to it completely. It’s funny because most people in my department pretty much always wear just what we can squeak by with. We’re all way on the casual side of business casual. But over in the sales department, you’d be hard-pressed to find a round-toed shoe. Even last week on “Casual Friday” (that phrase will always make me shudder), I saw someone in sales wearing jeans and pointy black shoes! She can’t even give her feet a rest for one day, when we’re actually allowed to wear sneakers! I shiver to think of all those women’s feet over in that department. I’ll probably start having nightmares of them all removing their shoes and taking off in flight after me with their dragon feet, bony talons ready to scrape off my face.

Don’t get me wrong — I know they, like most people in sales-type and many other type jobs, have gotten pressure from “above” to dress all business like. What sucks is that somehow for women, smart, professional outfits include high heels only, usually pointy. If you see a woman in a great suit and flats, she automatically seems less professional than one in heels. What the f?

I love cute shoes as much as the next girl, and in many cases, more. But I have one policy I try to stick to: If I have to choose between cute shoes and cute feet, I choose cute feet. I actually bought the cutest pair of shoes ever — these:

Seychelles1.jpgseychelles3.jpg

Aren’t they cute? And although they adhered to my no-pointy rule, they still squished my toes all up. So I took them back. I didn’t even get my money back; I got a store credit, which will be very hard to use because it was a tiny store, and that was the only pair in there that I really liked. But those are the breaks, Man. When I’m 65 years old I won’t miss those cute shoes or that seventy bucks, but I will be glad my feet aren’t all deformed like nasty monkey claws.

I think I have my mom to thank for my foot-care consciousness. When I was little I always wanted to wear slip-on flats instead of mary janes, and my mom would not let me, because she said they would slip up and down on my ankle and cause callouses on the back of my heels like hers. For some reason I thought straps across shoes were sooooo four years old, and I was five now, and if I could only wear shoes without straps I would be cool. But now I’m glad I didn’t, because my heels are callous free!

It all goes to show that we have to think about our futures, Ladies! Finding cute shoes that won’t ruin our feet is hard, but it can be done. And just think: We’ll be able to walk, both now and when we’re old! Yay!

Some News About My Butt

June 23, 2006

Some of you may remember when I gave up wheat for Lent and lost my butt. Well, it found its way home, and for a week or two we had a happy reunion, until it invited in the old friend it had met up with on its adventures — a set of twins, actually: The Love Handles.

Today I am wearing a pair of adorable stretchy pinstriped jeans that are suddenly so tight in the buttal region they're actually squeezing my cheeks together. And the worst part is, the love handles, or "upper butt fat" as Rachel would say, is seeping over the top. Yum. You see, this is the look I want, versus the look I am trying to avoid:

yesno.jpg

However: It seems that for me, the first look is an impossible dream.  Instead I must choose between: Option 1: A good amount middle butt fat with a disproportionately huge amount of upper butt fat, or Option 2: Not enough middle butt fat, but still plenty of upper butt fat. Which is better? I'm not sure, but I do know that today I look like ten pounds of shit in a nine-pound bag. I can barely even sit down, these jeans are so tight. Operation "Not eating wheat: No, really, I'm not — well, OK, just a bite… dang, that's a good burger, hand it over," has ceased, and once again, Operation "Not eating wheat for Jesus, because that's the only thing that works" begins.

Breaking Nerd News

June 22, 2006

Dear Lovely Readers,

If you usually access my blog through http://www.baddminton.com, it won't work for the next few days.  I'm in the process of moving my blog there permanently, but in the meantime, it won't be forwarded from there to here.  SO: until I tell you otherwise, please use http://www.baddminton.wordpress.com.  Or if you'd rather, use http://www.baddminton.net or http://www.baddminton.org.  Thanks!

Bits & Bytes

June 21, 2006

2 phones ago I had a cute little baby blue / Carolina blue Motorola shaped like a styrofoam peanut, and when I got a text message or voicemail, the sound that played was called "Bits & Bytes." It went, "Boo-duh-ly Doo-duh-ly Doop! Boo-duh-ly Doo-duh-ly Doop!" So I am calling my blentry for today "Bits & Bytes," because it's just a little collection of things.

Funny Search Engine Terms of the Day: People found my blog by searching for these things:

palm tree over the toilet stand

+handicap +wiping +butt

retarded clown, photos

pictures of cheesy guys

I am reading: Live the Life You Love by Barbara Sher. I recently finished her book, I Could Do Anything, If I Only Knew What It Was, and it was amazing. If you're having any kind of confusion or frustration about your goals and/or future, I recommend these wholeheartedly.

Link of the Day: Art Pad. An excellent, blue-ribbon, state fair-winning type of time waster.

Happy Almost Thursday!

What’s That, Lassie? Timmy has fallen into the well?

June 20, 2006

My co-worker Scott showed me this link today and I have to show y'all.  It makes me want to run and jump and do cartwheels and kiss the first dog I see on the soft, furry head (unless it's a mangy stray dog with fleas and possibly rabies. In that case I will give it an appreciative nod from a safe distance).

A Typical Workday Conversation

June 20, 2006

marcymint23: fakescreenname1: so there was this client yesterday who when i told her (at 5pm when she called) that her edgar would be filed tomorrow said 'You make me want to stand on my desk and scream'

fakescreenname2: was it Linda? she's ridiculous. i dealt w/ her yesterday, too

fakescreenname2: yesterday was like the day from hell

marcymint23: i'm so glad i have mondays off. i always get the impression mondays are worse than jumping into a lake of angry scorpions.

fakescreenname2: yes, times 10

marcymint23: like, mutant, overgrown angry scorpions?

fakescreenname2: on PMS

marcymint23: LOL

I Won Something!

June 15, 2006

So last week I was listening to KCRW on the way home from work, and they started giving out tickets to a show called Mortified, which involves "everyday adults reading aloud their most embarrassing and REAL teenage diary entries, poems, letters, lyrics and locker notes… in front of total strangers." So I called in, and after a couple tries with busy signals, I got through!  Except that in order to win something from KCRW you have to be a member, and I lost my membership card like the first second I got it, if I ever even did get it, so the radio dude got my name and put me on hold saying "I'm going to put you on hold, so have your member number ready," but I was in the car! But very close to home!  But I didn't even know where my card was, if it was at home!  So I started saying, "Ohhhh, Keep me on hold! Keep me on hold!"  (Probably the only time that phrase has ever been used in history and the last time it ever will).  And he did keep me on hold for a few minutes, but not quite long enough!  So when he came back I was like, "OHH, I'm in the car, but I'm almost home and I don't have my card! Can you put me back on hold?"  (Again, words that have never been uttered and never will be again). And he said he'd call me back, so I raced home, ran upstairs to my room and proceeded to tear it apart like a rabid wolf searching for food or fresh blood or whatever rabid wolves are likely to search for.  And I didn't find the card, but once my room was torn apart from corner to corner and everything that had previously been "put away" was now "scattered about in the middle of the floor," I found something KCRW had mailed me, a program of upcoming events, and it had my member number on it!  And the guy called me back, and I gave him the number, and all was right in the world! And I won the tickets!  And the best part is, I went last night and took Jeff with me, and it was AWESOME.  It started with a play called Material Girls, about two 8th-grade best friends, which was brilliant and terrifying in that I completely saw myself (more like my sixth-grade self) in the characters.  And then came the part where people read their embarrassing stuff outloud, and they were so funny that I was laughing so hard tears were pouring out my eyes, and my abs were burning!  It was unbelievable!  There's one more show tonight in LA, and then they go to New York (with different everyday people reading their stuff).  Y'all should go!

P.S.

I once also won a fleece vest from the UNC student store for guessing the weight of a giant pumpkin.  I just figured it weighed a little more than me, so I added 20lb. or so to my weight, guessed, and won!  The vest happened to be a men's XL (uh… thanks, guys), but I gave it to my dad and he loved it.

This Stuff Writes Itself!

June 15, 2006

MAN!  I can't stop writing about the searches people have done that pulled up my blog!  Every day they come in and just get more and more ridiculous!  Here are some gems from today:

Traffic Cop Dancing

white girl dreadlock picture

the biggest cock in the universe (Why did this pull up my blog?)

and

because i am starving

Why did someone type "because i am starving" into their search engine?  Why? Why?  I fear I shall never know.

How can you not be googleable?

June 14, 2006

In this day and age, explain to me how I can type a person's name into Google and come up with nothing relevant?  How am I expected to i-stalk old friends from my past?  It's really rude, if you ask me.  Put some pictures of y'all's selves up on the internet for me to browse, people!  Or do something noteworthy so someone else will, or at the very least get a dang MySpace page!  Otherwise, what am I supposed to do at work!? 

Fun With Search Stats

June 13, 2006

So, WordPress has this fun "Blog Stats" page where we get to see how many people have viewed our blog and how they found it (but not who has viewed it, so if you're stalking me, breathe a sigh of relief. I don't know who you are. Stalk away, my little stalking friends).  It shows search terms people used, like in Google, that pulled up my blog.  Some of them are very, very funny.  Such as:

wearing pigtails

birthday gift for 27 year old woman

forth of july baby clothes

"panties were exposed"

pet penguin under stairs japan

pet penguin living under stairs japan (someone really wants to learn more about a penguin under some stairs in Japan)!

kate gets spanked

hyperventilate during tennis match

"first time I got drunk"

belly explode

And my favorite:

PICTURES OF WOMEN CRYING BEING SPANKED

I can't believe people are searching for those things on the internet! And that those terms are pulling up my blog! Hahaha.  So… I guess I unknowingly host a porn site? (And now that I have written that, a search for the word "porn" will undoubtedly now also bring up this site. I have probably just increased my traffic exponentially).  My new challenge: Write a post that includes a hyperventilating penguin with exposed patriotic panties spanking Kate, who is wearing pigtails, under some stairs (in Japan, of course).  But nobody's belly explodes — that's just gross.

UPDATE: I checked again today, and found two more search terms people had used:

FROSTY ROOTBEER

and

nice porsche small penis

Gold. Pure gold.

Are You Addicted to Workahol?

June 13, 2006

You know what's kind of dumb?  The fact that people say they're a "chocolaholic," a "shopaholic," a "workaholic," or a whateveraholic.  The reason we say "alcoholic" is because people are addicted to "alcohol."  If we said it right, we'd say we were a "chocolate-ic" or a "work-ic" or a "shop-ic."  I'm not saying you're dumb if you've ever described yourself as a something-aholic, I'm just saying it's an expression that has worked its way into our language, and it's dumb. So dumb it's, like, dumbaholic.

The Runyan Debaucle, and the Aftermath

June 9, 2006

I'm just going to come clean.  I can be a jerk sometimes.  If I'm ever a jerk to you, though, just know that I will beat myself up about it for days, weeks, months, or years, depending on the severity of the jerkiness.

My most recent incident of jerkiness happened a couple weekends ago.  I was setting out on a hike at Runyan Canyon with Rebecca, and while walking up a residential street on the way to the park, a guy up ahead let his dog poop right on the sidewalk and didn't pick it up.  This is a common problem on that street, and you always have to watch where you step, and the street stinks at all times.  Anyway, I saw the dog poop, and I saw the guy not pick it up, and without warning, out of my mouth came, "Nice. Thanks."  It was kind of at a shout, since he was a good 20 feet ahead of us, and it surprised him, Rebecca, and me.  What?!  I don't shout at strangers, unless I'm in the car and they've just committed an extra rude traffic faux-pas.  It just came out of my mouth, and I couldn't believe it.  Anyway, so he turned around and got befuddled, and tried to explain that he didn't have a bag, and then he just stopped and looked at me, waiting for me to answer, but I didn't, because I was just as surprised and befuddled as he was, and we just kept walking toward him, and then he turned around and kept going ahead of us, and we walked in silence for several seconds until I turned to Rebecca and whispered, "This is going to be an awkward hike," at which point my hair began to fall in my eyes, and I was only too happy to have an excuse to stop and fix it while letting the guy get farther up ahead of us. 

So I fixed my hair, slowly, and then we proceeded on our way, and as the shock of my behaviour subsided, in rushed the guilt and remorse at having spoken so harshly to someone who, yes, was doing something annoying, but who may have had a good excuse.  I don't know, maybe he had two bags but the dog pooped three times and he was out of bags.  Or maybe he had just run out of the house with the dog after a bad fight with his girlfriend and had been too upset to remember to bring a bag and hell if he was going back in there now, or maybe she had even locked him out.  The point is, I didn't know, and he seemed like a nice guy, and I could tell he was embarrassed, and I felt like a big, fat jerk.  Combine that with the fact that I was nigh on PMS, and for much of the hike I was trying not to cry because I felt so bad, and I looked and looked for him so I could apologize, but he was nowhere to be found.  I have no idea where he disappeared to, but he was gone.  So, I did the only thing I could do in this situation: I put an add on Craigslist Missed Connections.  Here's what I posted:

I Fussed at you at Runyan today (Sat.) – w4m – 27


I saw your dog poop on the sidewalk, and you didn't pick it up, so I yelled, "Nice. Thanks." You seemed befuddled and tried to explain that you didn't have a bag with you. A few seconds later I felt really bad. I decided I wanted to apologize, but you disappeared. I'm so sorry! That was really rude and unlike me, and you seem like a really nice guy. I hope I didn't completely ruin your hike, or your walk with your dog.

I got 3 replies to the post, but unfortunately not from the guy — although all of them made me feel a little better.  Here they are:

Number One: The inevitable Craigslist pickup attempt, complete with photo of him and his dog:

I'm not the guy….but at Ruyan all the time…..I like that you took the time to apologize!!  If you see me..say "hi!"  I promise, I'll have a bag.

(Don't worry, Jeff, I didn't reply)!

Number Two:

hi, i'm not your missed connection, but i wanted to say that i'm glad you yelled at that guy. don't apologize for that. people like that are always trying to get away with it, and they need to be scolded publicly.

thanks!

fellow dog poop hater
los angeles, ca

And My favorite:

I live in that neighborhood. You had every right to give that guy "shit" pun intended. He knew he didn't have a bag when he took out his dog. But rather than have his dog crap on his carpet, he crapped on my sidewalk.  Don't feel bad about criticizing that guy, I probably stepped in it on Sunday.  When you take your dog on a walk you should have a leash and a plastic bag… no excuse.

So there you have it.  I still think I was a jerk, but if three strangers think otherwise, I guess maybe I'm being a little hard on myself.  Lessons learned: Never speak to strangers while having PMS, Craigslist can be relied upon to ease one's conscience, and Always carry a poop bag for your dog, or face the unleashed wrath of the Minton.

Conspiracy Theory

June 7, 2006

So… today I got an email forward.  I know that it was forwarded with the best of intentions.  I never send these on, but sometimes feel guilty for not, because maybe I should participate in "warning" people.  But part of me thinks this type of thing is fake, and the reason for sending them is to scare women.  Why?  If we're scared, we're immobilized.  If it's not safe to go to the gas station or the grocery store or the mall parking lot, or drive on roads, or whatever the latest forward is warning us about, what are we supposed to do?  I'll tell you. Just go home and sit.  And rot.  It makes me want to scream and cry and claw at my skin. It makes me angry.  A lot of times if we get angry about things like this, women are called "angry feminists."  Well… yeah.  Wouldn't you be mad? 

I know it really is pretty damn unsafe for women to be out and about at night, and frankly, even during the day.  I can tell you some really sketchy things that have happened to me personally, and to women I know.  But part of me wants to call bullshit on these "warning" forwards.  And whether they're true or not, the whole racket still royally pisses me off.  Because either way we have to constantly be on guard.  It's exhausting. 

Anyway, here's the forward.  

IMPORTANT PLEASE READ
 
A friend stopped at a pay-at-the-pump gas station to get gas. Once she filled her gas tank and after paying at the pump and starting to leave, the voice of the attendant inside came over the speaker. He told her that something happened with her card and that she needed to come inside to pay. The lady was confused because the transaction showed complete and approved. She relayed that to him and was getting ready to leave but the attendant, once again, urged her to come in to pay or there'd be trouble. She proceeded to go inside and started arguing with the attendant about his threat. He told her to calm down and listen carefully:
 
He said that while she was pumping gas, a guy slipped into the back seat of her car on the other side and the attendant had already called the police.
 
She became frightened and looked out in time to see her car door open and the guy slip out. The report is that the new gang initiation thing is to bring back a woman and/or her car.. One way they are doing this is crawling under women's cars while they're pumping gas or at grocery stores in the nighttime. The other way is slipping into unattended cars and kidnapping the women.
 
Please pass this on to other women, young and old alike. Be extra careful going to and from your car at night. If at all possible, don't go alone! This is real!!
 
The message:
 
1. ALWAYS lock your car doors, even if you're gone for just a second!
 
2. Check underneath your car when approaching it for reentry, and check in the back before getting in.
 
3. Always be aware of your surroundings and of other individuals in your general vicinity, particularly at night!
 
Send this to everyone so your friends can take precaution.
 
AND GUYS…YOU TELL ANY WOMEN YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS Thanks,
 
Barbara Baker, Secretary Directorate of Training U.S. Army Military Police School
 
THIS IS TOO SERIOUS … DO NOT DELETE PLEASE PASS IT ON!!

I get this type of thing ALL THE TIME.  And I'm always like, THIS FUCKING SUCKS.  Maybe this is happening; probably not.  In any case, it's really hard to go through life always looking over your shoulder.  Always fearing you'll be one of those "one out of three" women who gets raped.  It's so fucking inconvenient to be a woman, because sometimes I might want to go runing through my neighborhood at dusk, or ride my bike somewhere, or go pick up some groceries at 11PM, or maybe I'm about to run out of gas, but it's dark outside.  And I can't do any of those things, and if I do, I have to be nervous the whole time, so I can't enjoy it anyway.

Are these things made up to keep us at home? To make us depend on men?  To depend on men but also fear men? How are we supposed to know what to do, where to go, who to trust?  Call me what you will, but it makes me angry, and I won't apologize for that.